What do you throw a drowning bass player?
His amp.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless

How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..

In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
Because most shops close by six thirty.

How can you tell if there's a percussionist at the door?
The knock speeds up.

 How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. There's machines that can do that now.

 Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up."
Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."

 What does one bagpipe player never say to another?
"Hey man, what key's it in?"

What do you call a bass player with no rhythm?
Lead guitarist.

Q. How many Booking Agents does it take to change a light bulb?
A. [hurried] I 'll get back to you.

How many singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, and the whole world revolves around him!!

MUSICAL TERMS THAT ARE COMMONLY MISUNDERSTOOD:
DIMINISHED FIFTH - an empty bottle of Jack Daniels
PERFECT FIFTH - a full bottle of Jack Daniels
BIG BAND - when the bar pays enough to bring in two guitar players
BASS - the things you run around in softball
PORTAMENTO - a foreign country you always wanted to see
ARPEGGIO - "ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose?"
TEMPO - good choice for a used car
A 440 - the highway that runs around Nashville
TRANSPOSITIONS - men who wear dresses
ORDER OF SHARPS - what a wimp gets at a bar
PASSING TONE - frequently heard near the bakedbeans at barbeques
MIDDLE C - the only fruit drink you can afford whenfood stamps are low
PERFECT PITCH - the smooth coating on a freshlypaved road
TUBA - a compound word: "hey, woman! Fetch me
another tuba Bryl Cream"
CADENZA - that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
WHOLE NOTE - what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
CLEF - what you try never to fall off of
BASS CLEF - where you wind up if you do fall off
ALTOS - not to be confused with "Tom's toes","Bubba's toes", or "Do-ri-toes"
MINOR THIRD - your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
MELODIC MINOR - Loretta Lynn's singing son
12-TONE SCALE - the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer with
QUARTER TONE - what most standard pickups can haul
SONATA - what you get with a bad cold or hay fever
CLARINET - name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
CELLO - the proper way to answer the phone
BASSOON - typical response when asked what you hoped to catch
FRENCH HORN - your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 am
CYMBAL - what they use on deer crossing signs so you know what to sight in you pistol with
BOSSA NOVA - the car your foreman drives
TIME SIGNATURE - what you need from you boss if you forget to clock in First
INVERSION - grandpa's battle group at Normandy
AEOLIAN MODE - how you like Ma's apple pie

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